The man exclaimed: “This at last is bone from my bones, and flesh from my flesh! This is to be called woman, for this was taken from man. This is why a man leaves his father and joins himself to his wife, and they become one body.” [Genesis 2:23-24]
[1] The Garden of Eden, Erastus Salisbury Field, 1865. [2] Adam and Eve, by Titian, c. 1555
What is God’s will for you in the “one-flesh”?
- You delight in accepting that your marriage is made in heaven.
- You shall neither entertain the thought of a divorce nor utter the word “divorce” when the going gets tough.
- You move beyond the physical to a union of mind and heart.
Our own reflection in this regard takes us to a cancer ward. Here’s the train of thought in our reflection:
A woman is given a reproductive system and she produces children. She feels so good, so nice, so blessed.
Then, she suffers from cancer of the ovary, an essential part of her reproductive system given by God. She suffers. She dies. You go to any cancer ward, and you find her there.
But mothers are not supposed to die. To little children, mothers are supposed to be there for them, always! But real life, we all know, can be so cruel for so many people.
When disasters strike, and strike they often do, we lament: What’s going on, God Almighty? We question God: Why? O why? We demand to know why something so good, so nice, so blessed can become so dark, so sad, so heart-wrenching.
But, after all the initial lamentations and questions have died down, we begin again to look at the beautiful things that God has given us. We see the gift of children, the gift of family, and the gift of fidelity and love – deep, intimate love.
One day, we saw a little girl resting her head next to her dying mother lying in bed in the Sarawak General Hospital cancer ward in Kuching. Ever so tenderly, she stroked her mother’s hand. The mother, her eyes half open upon the touch, smiled faintly as her little darling girl called her very softly and lovingly in one single syllable, “Ma.”
Looking at the mother and child and their loving relationship, we saw sheer beauty – a beauty that originated from on high; and we saw real pain – deep human pain in the harsh reality of life.
Looking at the dying mother, we imagined a little baby girl born some 40 years ago. She grew up, fell in love, got married, gave birth to a few children, and there she was, passing on to the next life.
Then, seeing all that, we realized that reproduction is holy and sacred. The reproductive system given by God is holy and sacred. The relationship between husband and wife must not be confined to sex alone. Our physicality is of course very important. Sex is important, as a bond between husband and wife. But sex must not be cheapened. We must not be so overly focused on sex, as to be oblivious to the sacred dimension of our spiritual reality. We are each created in the image of God and baptized in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
We must go beyond mere physical reality of the sexual union to a union of mind and heart – our spiritual reality of “one flesh”.
We need to factor into our vision a wholesome marital union of two-in-one-flesh the reality of a union of being, a union of existence in this world. It is a relationship lived out in a spirit of “community of life” (Vita communio) with each other and with God, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, till death we do part.
In his book, Three to Get Married, Archbishop Fulton Sheen emphasizes that our Blessed Lord is at the center of every successful and loving marriage. He is right. God must be involved in our marriage. Scripture attests it.
- “You ask, ‘Why?’ It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant” [Malachi 2:14-16].
That is why a marital union is a “covenantal relationship” and never a mere contractual relationship. “‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” [Mark 10:7-9]
On the day of our marriage, we acknowledge all that at the altar. If we covenant with God, then this lifts our marriage to a far higher plane than simply an agreement to live together legally as husband and wife. It means we willingly submit to the role God must play in the marriage. It means we will live by His rules. It means we shall seek a happy marriage and success in life, by both husband and wife consciously including God as a partner in their every decision. It means we acknowledge God as Supreme in our lives and together yield to what God instructs in Scripture about marriage. It means we know that our marriage cannot stand for long if it is based on self-gratification and pleasure.
Searching a list of key elements in this community of life, we realise that no list is complete without the inclusion of these:
- Contentment – God has given you the best possible spouse. No more! Contentment is not the fulfillment of your endless desires, it is the realization of and gratitude for what you already have. A spirit of gratitude helps quell the spirit of insatiable human desires. Be contented. Be grateful. Live in contentment. To have contentment is to be at peace. To still ask for more than what you have already got leaves you terminally dissatisfied. Pray for the grace to grow old together, gracefully!
- Recognition – In everything that God made in creation, He recognized as good. Recognition is key. Without recognition, we have no measure of our worth, no mark of our growth, no real enjoyment of our dignity. We must value services, especially the invisible services of care-givers in the family. Give due recognition to people who offer those services. Surely, an apology to women is in order!
- Respect – Mutual respect is essential in a community of life. Notice, however, that equality in law does not bring respect; rather, respect is the foundation of equality. Never, in good times and in bad, give in to the temptation of falling back on better family background, implying that the other spouse has married up. Live a life of equality. Another apology to women is in order, especially where women are still treated as being less equal!
- Commitment – From Elie Wiezel, we learn a hard truth: The opposite of love is not hatred, but indifference. Commitment is the willingness to do something in our own lives that makes life better for others. Through the mutual commitment to the personal well-being of the other, we live out our marriage in accord with the Reign of God.
- Mutuality – Love is not an interchange of good deeds done for each other; rather, love is an interplay of persons who belong to each other. But love, after the initial sensation has worn off, requires work and decision. We are to use our God-given power to commit to loving each other, regardless! For we know, that with mutual commitment, comes hope and happiness.
Copyright © Dr. Jeffrey & Angie Goh, October 2012. All rights reserved.
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